Dirty Laundry

I think as you get older you tend to shield yourself much more from other people.  You don't want to admit those faults or be the one "in the wrong" and so it's much easier just to walk away from building real, true relationships.  Maybe it's that we are afraid of what people will think about us and the way we really live, act, or who we are.  For me it's admitting a lot of different things.  It's not about IF people accept me or not, because I'm a "take me or leave me" kind of girl.  For me, it's admitting the weakness.  Maybe because deep down I'm a super-hero in my own mind.  I love when people talk and it's a truth.  I love when they can admit that they burned supper, yelled at the kids, had a hard day with their depression because these are the moments when they seem like me. I can relate.  I love that.  So here's some of my dirty laundry...I have depression.  It unfortunately does define me.   I take medication for it and it helps to even me out, and I will take this medication as long as it helps me.  It makes me a better mom, wife, and friend.  I don't get as short with my kids as I used to.  That was a defining moment.  I remember standing in my kitchen at my old house, and I had just snapped at my then three year old son and carrying my infant daughter (the first of three) for leaving his shoe in the way and I tripped on it.  I broke down in tears because this was NOT me.  This was NOT whom I was going to be. I lived with that (freaking out for no good reason) for many years.  (We won't go into that dirty laundry, ha ha!)  So I made a choice to get going on the medication.  I think it was around that time too that my husband (who can take a lot of my anger and tears) said to me, "What is wrong with you?  You are worse than usual."  Ouch.  That was a slap in the face, but merely a slap to wake me up, I think, as I already realized that something was wrong.  I think that was the moment when he really truly believed me that I was depressed too.  Before I was really good at keeping it in, and managing.  I had been doing that since I was a teenager and depression reared it's ugly head.  (Although in hindsight I didn't know what was wrong with me.  I couldn't define the emotions I was feeling or say it aloud.  I'm so glad there are so many resources now, and so scared that one of my kids will end up like me...praying for my husband's genes on that one.)  So finally when he was actually dealing with full on post-partum depression, he finally got a glimpse into what I really feel on a daily basis (although even now I think he thinks my medication makes it magically disappear).  Eventually I will go to some form of therapy, but I fully feel that will help mostly with expressing emotions and dealing with outside situations.  There is nothing that can really be done with my depression, for me it's not situational (all the time).  It is actually a chemical imbalance, proven by the way my body and mind has responded to my meds.  I call them my happy pills, but that's not all truth.  They don't actually make me happy, just more tolerable and even- keeled.  I am a wreck without them and I won't be that person that thinks," I'm doing great now, let's just get off of them and I'll be normal."  This for me is an everyday issue.  Some days are better, some days are more stressful and I fight it more.  Stress is a huge trigger for me. Part of my depression that I have never really admitted to people is that I deal with suicidal thoughts too.  It's even hard to admit to my husband.  He thinks I can turn it off and on, that I'm just being dramatic about things.  These are real thoughts though, really unwelcome thoughts that I don't wish for.  He can't imagine how I think them, I don't know how to live life not thinking them.  Some days I truly wish for normal.  I want normal, I would love to know what a "normal" brain thinks about!  The thing with with medication is it can't turn these thoughts off.  They are always there and I want people to know that more than anything. I see these people whom have lives that have been dealt the death card.  They have the loved one whom unfortunately completed that thought process of, "Life without me would be easier...better...less of a burden."  I feel for the family, and I feel for the person.  I know that thought process and am determined to fight it all the way because I'm on a mission.  A mission to make people more knowledgeable about life with depression.  Life as a mom, wife, friend, co-worker, who deals with sadness and anger everyday.  As I said some days are good, and some bad.  Today...today is a good day.